You say tomato...

We have some aggressive birds in our backyard.  They're small, black birds.  I say there are about eight of them - middle boy says there are more. 

Last week, middle boy was playing in the backyard, while toddler child and I were fiddlin' around in the garage.  I heard mouth-open screaming and ran towards the back to see what was going on.  Middle boy was running towards me with several little, black birds, crazy-eighting in flight pattern behind him, swooping within about a foot of his head.  This boy LOVES all creatures, so the look on his face of fear mixed with confused betrayal tickled me.  He ran in the garage and sat down, breathing heavily.  What happened I asked.  I don't know he said.  He didn't think it was funny.  I did.

Over 20 years ago, I was at my parents' house visiting for a weekend from college.  I brought one of my roommates with me.  We arrived at Mom and Dad's Friday evening.  Doris, the family cat, had a wound on her rear.  She'd eaten some baby mockingbirds in the backyard, and the adult birds had never forgotten or forgiven.  Every time Doris tried to make rounds at the house, she had to slink from bunker to bunker.  If any mockingbird saw her, they dive-bombed, usually missed, but always came close.  I'm pretty sure this went on for years.

This one time, one of them made contact and really injured Doris.  Mom and Dad both had to be somewhere the next morning, so Mom asked if I would please get up early, call the vet, and get Doris there.  No problem.  Mom asks, "Now what are you going to say when you call the vet?"  I said, "That Doris has a wound by her butthole."  (Which was exactly where it was.)  Mom says, "No.  We don't say 'butthole' you'll be talking with a doctor.  Just say, she has a wound by her anal opening."  I rolled my eyes and said nobody talks like that.  My friend laughed.

The next morning my alarm went off.  Mom and Dad were gone and I needed to call the vet.  The receptionist answered and I said, "Hi.  This is Chrisy Hautem...  Doris' sister.  My mother asked me to call because Doris has a wound on her...anal opening."  I heard my friend laugh at the other end of the house.

Doris, my friend and I make it to the vet.  The vet puts Doris on the table and asks what happened.  I said, trying to sound all appropriate like my Mom said I should, "A mockingbird swooped down on her and she has a wound on her anal opening."  The vet lifts up her tail and says, "Yep.  She got nipped in the ass."